I’m going to show you the exact method narcissist’s use to manipulate your perceptions so they can vent onto you and meet their needs and bear their bad feelings. Narcissists are complicated, but they’re also formulaic and have noticeable patterns of behavior when you’re taught how to spot them.
Narcissists have unresolved personal problems they’re forced to deal with on a regular, continual basis. When this bombardment of bad feelings hits, their method for relieving the pain is to emotionally abuse others into accepting it as their own. All Narcissists employ this method because it does three things for them:
• It immediately takes it off of them. They feel it’s your problem and not theirs. You are the problematic one and they are problem-free. When you feel bad and do poorly, it makes them feel good, especially if they’re the ones who made you feel bad.
• They feel like a good person in the process, another narcissistic requirement, though the definition of good and social good means different things to different narcissists.
• And finally, they enjoy hurting you. They derive pleasure from your pain. It makes them feel powerful and in control over you, which makes them feel good and in control over themselves.
They have an internal need to dump their problems onto you, but they can’t appear malicious while doing it or they’d have nothing to start with.
They need to be your “friend” to capitalize on the opportunity to “help” you with the problem they’ve just created for you. Narcissists always make sure there are plenty of problems for them to capitalize on. If there isn’t a problem, they’ll create one.
So the problem is not a problem itself, the problem is they need an outlet right now and they have to create a problem to get one. Here’s how they turn nothing into something they can use for years and years against you, building off of it successively.
Here’s their procedure:
1. Create a problem that involves you, then spin it so that you’re responsible and obligated to fix it
It must involve you because then they can turn it appropriately so that you have to be the one to fix it. Not only does it involve, but you caused it, you’re the source of the problem and your behavior needs to be corrected by them. You’re responsible and accountable for this particular problem, because it involves something you did, like leave clean clothes in the dryer for too long.
Problem creation is the hard part, so they generally keep a list of things in their heads they can use. This list builds over time, and they’re constantly finding and maintaining new angles to bug you.
Spinning is the easy part, because you’ll do the work for them with your low self-esteem. They’ve already chosen and specially selected you as their victim, and that you’ll bear the brunt of their abuse. Whereas creating a problem requires proof, putting it all on you is personal and emotional; it requires no reason or logic. They make you feel it is your fault, and being good person, you’ll rush in/swoop down to fix it.
The problem is, leaving clean clothes in the dryer is not an adequate excuse and cannot justify the abuse they need to wreak on you, so they must make it much worse than it is or they’ll look bad.
What’s the problem going to be? Well that all depends on how you conduct yourself and live your life. Narcissists turn positive character traits into character flaws that bother them. No matter what you do, they’re going find things wrong with you. They have to take issue with you as a person if you’re going to serve as their doormat.
You’re exceptional qualities that distinguish you from everyone else are the biggest risk to them. By denigrating those things you hold most dear about yourself they kill two birds with one stone by not only draining your source of strength against them but also turning it into a weapon against you. If you’re a human being on the planet earth, they’ll find something that is “wrong” with you.
2. Position Themselves as the Victim to the Problem and the Only one who can Possibly Solve It
It’s crucial that the distinction be made without saying: you caused the problem and they are the victim of it, which makes you feel like you’re in the wrong and the bad guy. Unless you spring into action to remedy it, you did it on purpose and enjoy hurting them.
Now you kick it into high gear and plunge right in attempting to alleviate the problem, but something strange happens: they actually block you from solving the problem, aggressively obstructing and second guessing you.
Why? Because you can’t solve the problem, you aren’t capable. If you did that you’d be good and redeeming yourself for you abuse of them. They must be the ones to do it, because they’re so great. They don’t have to solve it because they’re not responsible for it, but they will because they’re such fantastic people.
3. Now That You’re Obligated to Solve it, They’ll Undermine you and set you up to Fail
The object here is to make you feel bad, that you weren’t enough and you failed them not for lack of effort but because you’re inadequate. Please remember that no matter what you do, you will fail, they’ve seen to that already.
If somehow you manage to overcome their barriers and solve the problem, they must compensate by being less satisfied with your solution. This is even worse because now they have to abuse you a different, more direct way to vent their angst.
Now they just need to steal the spotlight from you, persevere and “solve” the problem themselves. As you’ve probably guessed, there’s no problem-solving. Since they’re the ones who created the problem, they’re in control can make it go away by not bringing it up again.
It’s “solved” because they feel better and they successfully made you the screw-up. The problem has served its true purpose in covering for the real problem and can now vanish into thin air.
They feel better because now they have their release, they don’t feel as self-conscious anymore and their self-image is not only intact, but bolstered and without a blemish. Yours however isn’t and you’re worse off now than before this “problem” arose.
The problem was they felt bad and needed to dump it onto you. They dump it because they can’t express it, much less acknowledge it themselves. All they know is that they feel bad and abusing you makes them feel better.
Solving the problem makes things worse for them and for you. They won’t get their release, will feel bad and find another way to vent onto you, maybe with the same problem but most likely with a new one.
Thanks for reading!